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By Joshua Belhumeur

An Agency’s Declaration of Independence

When in the course of doing business, it becomes necessary for an Agency to dissolve the bands which have connected them with their Client, a decent respect to the opinions of their peers requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all Clients are created equal, that some act with an air of insufferable entitlement, and among them share traits of Arrogance, Stupidity and the pursuit of Crapiness. That to secure accounts, Agencies bend over backwards to accommodate them, deriving their power trips from the spinelessness of the Accounts team. That whenever any Client becomes destructive, it is the Agency’s right, and their duty, to throw off such Client, and to seek new Clients for their sanity and future success.

Such has been the patient sufferance of the entire team. The history of the present Client is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Shitstorm. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

They have allowed hubris to dictate art direction rather than audience goals and professional design opinion.

They have refused expert advice more often than not, opting for uninformed gut feelings and the words of their 13 year old daughter who “knows social media pretty well.”

They have requested lunch meetings on multiple occasion, made us wait in the lobby for 20 minutes and ate in front of us while we were deprived of vital sustenance and made to withstand unjust hunger pain.

They have virtually eliminated our profit margin through forcing fixed-fee contracts and continually making unnecessary changes while firmly contending that such changes should be considered within scope.

They have made Simon from Accounts cry on multiple occasions.

They have requested we turn around deliverables at unreasonable timeframes to meet “important” deadlines only to fail to provide necessary approvals for weeks on end.

They have left invoices outstanding for 6 months at a time.

They have requested a preponderance of changes, only to settle on the first iteration, then dismissed our associated grievances as “just part of the process”.

They have disrespected our time by failing to review the materials we send before meetings.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most passive aggressive and indirect terms: Our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Client whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be our partners.

We, therefore, the representatives of this Agency, do, in the name, and by the authority of…ourselves, declare that we ought to be free of it; we are absolved from all deadlines, and that our contract is now totally dissolved.

By Joshua Belhumeur